OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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