She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
