Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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