I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
