Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
