Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
im holly from the hills drunk
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
