We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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