I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
