Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
