A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Randomize
