I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
