Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
