Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
