Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Randomize
