There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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