Don't make out with my wife yet
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
