I'm pants shitting drunk right now
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
