ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
