dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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