Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
