Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
