I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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