I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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