The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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