There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
don't judge my taste in strippers
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
We need to get me chipped asap
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
