Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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