if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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