mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
