im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Is Oprah even human
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
