She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
