My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
