i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
