we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
this is an emotional support booty call
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
