when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
