I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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