Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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