guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
