She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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