I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
NoShamevember. You game?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Brb crying the tears of my youth
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
