I don't usually arrange sex via text message
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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