Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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