I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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