my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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