Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
