I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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