My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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