Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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