youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
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I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
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I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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