I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
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We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
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Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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