Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
