Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
