Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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