You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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