his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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