Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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