thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
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