1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
