He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
