I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
