We named our party play list daddy issues
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
