she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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