dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
