i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
